Jesus Molecules

I’m just getting back into the rhythm of writing my science column here. My latest research has revealed that we have so many molecules in our body, and they get spread around so much after we die, through wind and rain and plants breathing and ocean currents swirling, that the odds are good that every person on the planet has at least one molecule of Jesus Christ in his or her body right now.

Which means I have one too. I really wish I knew which one it is. If I did I could pay it a bit more respect. Perhaps that is what it means in The Bible when Jesus says, ‘this is my body you eat, this is my blood you drink.” I’m sorry but I’m paraphrasing. I can’t remember the exact words, except as they were sung in Jesus Christ Superstar. Remember I was raised a Zoroastrian.

But if this is true, it also means I have molecules of Buddha and Krsna, Moses and all of those great people, somewhere in my body. I sure hope they don’t argue or fight. But oh dear, it also means I have molecules of Attilla the Hun and Xena the Warrior Princess. I wonder if girl molecules only get assigned to girls. I wouldn’t feel too comfortable having Cleopatra molecules with me in the bathroom.

Now it is logical to assume, random acts of nature being what they are, (i.e. not as random as they’d like us to believe) that some people get more than one Jesus molecule, and some have none at all. I think that something as important as this should be shared, so I want to appeal to all of you, if you have more than one Jesus molecule, don’t be selfish. Think what Jesus himself would have done. Turn to the person next to you and if they have no Jesus molecule, give them one of yours. What’s that you say? They don’t want it? And they’re trying to give you a Mohammed molecule?

I tried explaining all this to Fifofus, my research lion, but he couldn’t quite grasp it. “What would Jesus be doing in the body of a lion?” he said.It’s not easy explaining spiritual philosophy to an animal whose brain is made of wool. I tried another approach.”Well in your case, it is probably an Aslan molecule.” (For those of you who are unfamiliar with animal theology, Aslan is a kind of lion God. Think Jesus in lion form.) Fifofus was mighty pleased by this. “Wow!” he said. “A real Aslan molecule – in my body. Now you’re talking. I always knew I was born to great things.”

I didn’t want him to get carried away so I tried to quash his enthusiasm bit. “Of course it may not mean much – there are trillions of other ordinary molecules in your body. That one Aslan molecule is heavily outnumbered and may not have much influence, especially if your body is run as some kind of democracy.”

But Fifofus wasn’t listening. He was looking very pleased with himself.

“I think it’s in the tip of my tail” he said happily, twitching it so that the tuft on the end waved in the air, Lord of all it surveyed.