Science is for the Birds

 

A few years ago I read about some Australian scientists who think that crocodiles are birds. I’m just waiting for them to announce that horses are insects, fish enjoy studying particle physics and octopuses can easily be taught to play the piano.

So, regarding their idea about crocodiles being birds, here’s how they reached this astonishing conclusion.

They picked on three large crocodiles that were living a bit too close to a popular beach for comfort (we’re not talking about the comfort of the crocodiles here…), and tried to relocate them to a remote swamp. Please note that we are talking about the Australian Saltwater Crocodile (Latin name: Crocodylus porosus), the largest reptile in the world that can grow up to 7 meters (23 feet). These are quite different from your docile Florida alligators which can often be spotted assisting elderly ladies across the road. Australian Crocs are man-eaters — aggressive monsters whose favourite food is American tourists.

In the interest of fairness I must tell you that according to the Brisbane based, Crocodile Public Relations Office, many stories about crocodiles are greatly exaggerated and more people are killed by vending machines than by poor old Crocodylus Porosus.

Yeah right.

Anyway, this group of scientists (Latin name: Australus Maniacus with a death Wishus) captured these three monsters, took them for a little ride in a helicopter and released them 400 kilometers from home. The pilot was never heard from again. (calm down — I just made that bit up). The helicopter is probably still there, it’s rotors poking up out of the mud to serve as a warning against the follies of man.

It seems the crocodiles did not appreciate their new accommodations. I mean how would you feel, being kidnapped from your luxury beachside villa, only to be dumped in a swamp in the middle of nowhere? Naturally they preferred to be by the beach where the action is and where exotic foreign food is readily available. So they took some photos to show to their lawyers and headed straight for home, covering the distance in about three weeks.

Observing this behavior, the scientists, in a feat of extraordinary mental agility, leapt to the conclusion that crocodiles must be related to birds. They employed the new scientific method specially developed in Australia known as ‘taking a wild guess’. Their train of ‘logic’ ran like this: Some birds are good at finding their way home over great distances. These crocodiles found their way home over a long distance. Therefore crocodiles are birds.

This is what happens if you take the Socratic Method, run it through a series of lesser minds and add way too much Tabasco Sauce. Using this kind of reasoning we could conclude that London taxi drivers are also related to birds.

Our intrepid researchers further claim that crocodiles “get homesick” and are “just like boomerangs.” These are actual quotes from the BBC Science website and should constitute sufficient evidence to make a case for the scientists themselves being birds.

Now before you suggest the obvious solution, I’m going to suggest it myself. That way, when it comes time to pass out Nobel Prizes I’ll be at the front of the line. Are you ready? OK, here we go:

If these scientists are really concerned about protecting tourists from dangerous animals, why don’t they deal with the main culprits: vending machines? They should capture all the vending machines, fly them hundreds of miles inland and dump them in a swamp. Obviously they (the vending machines) won’t come running back home in a hurry to attack tourists. As everyone knows, vending machines have no sense of direction, so they’d lose their way. And if the very worst crocodile can be lured close enough to a vending machine to induce a tragic ‘accident’, we just might kill one bird, and one non-bird, with one stone.